I rarely share personal information openly, so this will be unusual and a stretch for me. Some of you know that I recently miscarried. Yes, again. This is the third time in as many years: Dec. 2007, Dec. 2008, and Dec. 2009. I would like to speak to some of the unspoken questions I know are out there. Yes, I do know how old I am. Yes, I do know how many miscarriages I've had. And what am I thinking? Read on...
Brian and I, for too many years, lived selfish lives, even as believers. Children require great and continual sacrifice, and we were sinfully selfish. Several verses throughout Genesis, Leviticus, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel command God's people to be fruitful and multiply. Psalm 127:3 states, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." With fewer children, isn't it true that we have more time to do what we want, more money to spend on what we want, and certainly less emotional and physical drain?
For many years, we bought into the lies of the world that have seeped into the church. As we look around today, how exactly does the church look different from the world? Romans 12:2 states, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Brian and I struggled with the idea of turning the womb over to God, and now I look at our family and the children that God has mercifully given us, and I see gaps. I see years where we said, "No, thank you, " to God, and our hearts are heavy and convicted by this.
Our minds are still being transformed by God, but I believe we now walk in the consequences of years of rebellion. It's very possible that we never again get to experience the joy and blessing of a new baby to raise up for the kingdom. It's not that I don't believe that God could give us a baby, it's that I can't know if He will.
I think perhaps we didn't announce our pregnancy in an attempt to keep everyone off of the emotional roller coaster. We were both hopefully optimistic and realistic at the same time. But greater than the hope of a new baby was my hope that I might be able to claim as Job did in Job 1:21, "The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD," if I miscarried again. This is a struggle, but I have embraced God's sovereignty more and more with each loss. I don't believe my pregnancies are a mistake, and the Lord will do with them what He will do. I still struggle with selfishness, but I want to be open and available to the Lord. That might answer the next question of, "Are you going to get pregnant again?" That would be up to the Lord.
When my dad was dying of cancer, I remember a time on the phone with him when I was crying in frustration and denial. He told me to read Psalm 139.
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
139:1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Does it surprise the Lord if a person lives a few weeks in the womb? Verse 16 states otherwise. Who are we to say that they didn't fulfill their purpose?
Finally, am I OK? Yes, I am absolutely, wonderfully OK in a Philippians 4:7-peace-of-God-which- surpasses-all-understanding-will-guard-your-hearts-and-your-minds-in-Christ-Jesus way. My heart aches, yet I feel comfort, strength, and love from my Heavenly Father. It's a peace I couldn't know without the Lord Jesus, and it truly is something that I don't believe I could describe accurately. I recognize that I need discipline, and it makes me smile through tears when I read in Hebrews...
5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,
13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.
If I weren't so stubborn and full of myself, perhaps it wouldn't take so much pain for me to be touched, changed, and transformed by the living God.
